Sunday, November 20, 2005

What more is there?

I was wondering why I didn't become pensive as usual on my birthday, just simply shrugged it off as another day. Stupid english essay that I'm writing now brought out a side of me I have hidden from myself for quite sometime. The jaded, brooding, pessimistic me. Not that I'm usually very optimistic, I'm pretty pragmatic so you can't call me optimistic. Pessimistic not in the way that everything's going wrong, nothing is going right, world is against me, I'm such a failure yada yada yada...but pessimistic in the sense that I start wondering what's the point to it all? I remember a quote from an essay Tang Keen Yeen(not Tang Sui Noi) made us read in RI, "People are born to die." So what's the point? I know my good intentioned Christian friends will tell me that the greater purpose is to serve god, and my buddhist friends will tell me it is part of a cycle of reincarnative evolution till nirvana is reached, lost touch with muslim friends since primary school so I dun really know wot they'll say. I am simply not able to commit to anything that requires "a leap of faith" so religious solutions are out for me.
People who know me know that I HATE growing older. Never wanted to grow up since primary school coz life was so happy and carefree and I actually looked forward to going to school to have fun with my friends. No expectations yada yada yada...or rather, I did not realise that there was a possibility that some things are impossible to acheive. I think that part of me that does not wish to grow up expresses itself subconsciously through my silly jokes and behaviour, hoping that by doing that I can sorta delay the growing up process. Guess the only person I'm trying to kid is myself. I dunno. Read on a friend's blog recently that he learnt in NS that there's more to life than good grades and high pay. Can someone tell me what more is there when that is all time and society permits us to have?

Ok, I need to get back to my english essay. I hate writing for grades, writing that is not purposeful, writing that is not used to express myself. I guess it's like going to the gym, strengthening myself so that I can swim faster and play badminton better. I dunno...Wish there was an almighty answer book, a guide to life. No I'm not referring to something like the bible, quran or scriptures thank you. Something like a map...a map of possible destinations in life, how to get there, who I'll meet and what I'll see along the way, how I can best enjoy the trip. I guess I see myself as a pseudo tourist in the journey of life, journeying from a land with black and white answers, clear cut truths and falsehoods, to a land filled with greys and unknowns...I think the greys are supposed to make the world look more interesting. I dunno if u guys get what I'm talking about. I barely understand myself too. Hahaahaa...yes...shrug it all off as usual...Back to the usual cheery me...

Guess what this picture is of? This girl came to my room, saw this on my shelves and was like damn shocked at first...hahaaa...


2 comments:

*~princess~* said...

haha wilson i was a little bit misled too when i first saw that photo heee... but i sort of guessed it's something else haha... but it's really quite deceptive!

anyway, hope you're doing great over there in the states! when you do pass by hk i'll treat you to roasted goose :)

tokimeki said...

what's that stack of things?
it looks like some biscuit or sthg to me leh.